[Tommy] Oil and gas industry
makes $3 billion dollars a day in pure profit,
but before any of that money is made,
you got to secure the rights and lock up the service.
You don't fuck with our product, we don't fuck
with yours.
[truck horn blares]
Oh, goody, my day begins.
I need this problem to go away, Tommy.
[Walt] I wouldn't want to have your job this week.
Shit, you wouldn't want to have my job any week.
I learned all I need about geology.
I don't want to teach the shit, I want to be a landman.
Where's the rest of your crew?
Cooper got hurt.
[Angela over phone] Why aren't you with him?
Always got to make it about you.
Oh, yeah, that's what I'm doing.
Who's the best litigation firm in Midland?
First one to hire Shepherd-Hastings wins.
You're the attorney.
I'm that easy to spot, huh?
Wasn't difficult.
[Angela] Should I be there?
[Tommy] You're their mother,
so if you feel like you ought to be here,
you probably should come.
Surprise.
Your sister's following in your footsteps. She's going to Tech.
I'm sure all the sororities are beside themselves with joy.
[Ariana] Elvio did a very good job
-of describing you. -You're Ariana.
I didn't plan on meeting my crew member's widow
and fucking falling in love.
[groaning]
[Monty] Take me to a hospital.
[Cami] If you need something,
then you call my cell, not his.
I'm making you vice president of operations.
[flatlining tone]
You owe me a lot of money.
[Tommy] We're the last bear you want to poke, bud.
The world is a better place if we are friends.
[Tommy] This fucking job.
* "Wolf Song" by Andrew Lockington playing *
* Long, long ride *
* On another day *
* Come alive *
* On another day... *
[newsman speaks indistinctly]
[newsman] NYMEX is up two and a half percent to 76.23,
while Brent Crude is teasing 79 this morning.
Natural gas is up to 4.28
and heating oil at 2.22.
Corn is down at 448.25,
while wheat is up a quarter...
No breakfast?
I'm not much of a breakfast eater.
Most important meal of the day.
You think so?
Well, that's what they say.
-Who's "they"? -I don't know.
Whoever says these things.
I'll tell you who "they" is.
It's Kellogg's and General Mills
and whoever makes them shitty little frozen round waffles.
That's who it is.
Eggo, I think.
Eggo. Exactly.
Which is owned by Kellogg's.
The people that tell us that breakfast
is the most important meal of the day
are the sons of bitches that make the stuff.
You think our ancestors had breakfast?
You think cavemen sat around a fucking fire, eating waffles?
No.
I guarantee you.
I mean, if they ate breakfast at all,
it was probably bone marrow
and an impala they dried out over a fire.
But I guarantee you they didn't have cornflakes.
You sure you want more coffee?
Y'all sell cigarettes?
Not since the '90s.
You don't have any secret stash back there
for emergencies or...?
If they do, they don't tell me.
Well, I tell you what.
See if there's a busboy back there
that might want to go on a scavenger hunt.
'Cause I guarantee you, that shit right there
ain't gonna get me through a Monday.
There you go. Anything but menthol
or those little skinny ones.
* singer vocalizing *
[sighs]
Mm, it's early.
Long drive.
-Big day. -Yeah?
-What makes it big? -I'll tell you if I'm right.
[chuckles softly]
Tell me anyway.
I'll tell you if I'm right.
Cooper.
That's not the way this is supposed to work.
[groans]
* "Nothing You Can Do" by Turnpike Troubadours playing *
* In the old town square *
* The trumpets blow *
* The dawn breaks *
* Through the local drone *
* She fires a look *
* Knocks you out of your shoes *
* And there's nothing that you can do *
[lively chatter]
* In a hotel room *
* On St. Vincent Street *
* The walls repeat *
* Old hopes and dreams *
* "I like a working man..." *
[Danny] There's a change in control clause
in our contract.
There's been no change in control.
Well, he's fucking dead, Tommy.
And now his wife runs the company.
That's the very definition of "change in control."
I run the company.
She owns it, and she owned it before.
She's listed in the partnership.
That's her fucking signature next to his on your contract.
I was promoted from senior vice president to president
by the same ownership that you signed with.
That's the chain of progression, not a change in control.
But if you want to fight about it,
lawyer up, big boy. Let's go.
Tommy, goddamn it,
it's a half-billion-dollar field,
and I had these garbage terms crammed down my throat by Monty.
And I could eat those terms with Monty
'cause I knew he would deliver.
But now what?
I'm supposed to sit on this shit paper
and let his trophy wife try to pull permits
from the fucking railroad commission?
You think Monty ever pulled a fucking permit in his life?
Every dime you ever made with Monty,
I pumped it out of the ground.
And that don't change.
I'm 17 wells in on the workovers.
I'm cleared to drill six on the new field next fucking week.
You want me to send everybody home while you try to weasel
a renegotiation out of my best friend's wife?
Knock yourself out.
I'll shut the whole fucking thing down tomorrow.
Where you want me to send the $110 million dollar bill?
[chuckles] Goddamn.
You have no play except to trust me or buy 'em back.
Oh, you're gonna sell me my own leases now?
They ain't your fucking leases, Danny.
They're mine till I recoup, plus a hundred.
Just read the fucking contract.
You might be worse than Monty.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Monty made you plenty rich,
and I'm gonna make you richer.
Y'all want a drink?
Oh, I'm good, babe. Thank you.
Whiskey double.
Preference on whiskey?
I couldn't care less, honey.
Just relax and trust me.
Oh, are we trusting each other now?
Well, if making money's the goal, we'd better.
["Game I Can't Win" by Charley Crockett playing]
* I'm gonna rob that Mesa Verde bank *
* Think I'll take it just as fast as I can *
[Bob] Tommy.
* That old-time feeling... *
This a little bit below your pay grade, Bob?
Well, M-TEX holds three billion in leases.
I don't think that's below anyone's pay grade.
What are you gonna do with the, uh, gas fields in Kilgore?
Oh, that's pretty far down my list.
East Texas ain't my game.
It's not a question of "if there's gas."
Oh, I know. The fields are good.
I just don't want to go out there.
The mosquitoes are so big, they can fuck a turkey flat-footed.
Well, we can spare you the trouble.
I'll give you 300 for 'em.
Well, they're worth six at least.
Five, maybe,
if they were producing.
You just said they'll produce.
Well, "will" is the key word.
You got to drill 'em first,
and you just said you don't want to.
I spent most of my life doing shit I don't want to do.
Three-fifty.
What is this, a fucking test?
I know what they're worth.
Four hundred and they're yours.
I'll have a contract drafted and to you in three days.
-Buy bug spray. -All right.
Uh, a-anything else you're, uh, looking to unload?
I got some leases over in Louisiana I can do without.
You got geothermals, permits, surface locked up?
Bundled, ready to go.
-Email it over. -I'll do it
-first thing. -All right. Everyone's
real curious what she has to say.
I'm pretty curious myself.
I'm assuming you know the sharks are circling.
Yeah, and they leave a pretty big wake.
Monty was a gambler
who thrived on his intuition.
That can't be replicated.
Can't be taught.
We're in a boom.
She should sell, pay capital gains.
She'd still be a billionaire.
I don't disagree with you.
Rooms don't come tougher.
If she doesn't win it,
banks start calling notes.
Thing's worth ten cents on the dollar.
Yeah, well, she's tougher than you think she is.
-She'd better be. -Well...
Talk later.
All right.
* somber music *
[sighs]
[whispers] Goddamn it.
[door opens]
-[exhales] -[Lexi] Where's Tulum?
[Stormy] Oh, who cares?
He had me at "Four Seasons."
[Lexi] He wants to leave tonight?
[Stormy] Oh, he wants to leave now.
As soon as this luncheon's over.
[Lexi chuckles] Um, okay.
This'll work.
[giggling]
You trust him?
[Stormy] To do what?
[Lexi] I don't know.
-I mean-- -Uh, he's 62 years old.
If he tries something I won't do,
I'll kick the shit out of him.
But I doubt he'll come up with something I won't try.
-[Lexi] Oh. [chuckles] -That man
is gonna get the blow job of his life.
On the flight.
And I'm coming home with a condo in Dallas
and a Bentley Continental.
[giggling]
[clears throat]
[chuckling]
What?
[Stormy] Oh, the divorced doctor convention
-is one hotel over. -[whispers] That way.
It's a young woman's game here.
No offense.
I'm still offended.
Hmm. Well,
that's life in the Serengeti.
Thank you.
I needed this.
[laughing]
[indistinct chatter]
[door closes]
You know what you're saying?
I wrote a speech,
but I'm not sure that's what I'm gonna say.
Well, you'd better figure it out fast.
It's your luncheon.
We have a half billion dollars in debt service,
and the president of every bank holding that paper,
they're in that room
and they're looking for any excuse to pull it.
We have $700 million dollars' worth of leases and loan-outs
that Monty's death effectively nullified.
So you better convince them
that you're strong, that you're tough,
that you don't take any shit.
Not going bankrupt is your motivation.
Well, that's where men and women differ, Tommy.
Fear alone doesn't motivate us.
We need something else.
Well, you better find it.
* uneasy music *
[attendees murmuring]
I've recently heard this room referred to as the Serengeti.
[chuckling]
Many of you are hunters.
You satiate your primal need for conquest
by playing the only game in existence
where the other team doesn't know it's playing.
[chuckling]
My husband never hunted.
He saw no need.
The Permian was his savanna,
and you were his sport.
I called this luncheon
so I could introduce myself to each of you...
...to squash the rumors
and offer you a warning.
I'm a hunter, too.
And like my husband,
I don't use a rifle.
We are entering the largest energy boom of this century.
For those of you coasting on your royalties,
I must point out...
that while you sunburn on the beach in Tulum,
I will be underbidding your lease offers,
cornering pipeline supplies,
and buying your bad debt.
Underestimating me is how I buy you out.
Now, I have no speech
on the futures of energy
or my commitment to innovative approaches on drilling
or philanthropy or any of that other bullshit
you guys like to spew at these things.
I'm the largest independent oil producer in the region.
The only difference between me and Monty
is I'm meaner.
Test me and you'll find out how much.
Enjoy your lunch.
I paid for it with your fucking money.
Strong enough for you?
What motivated that?
Canceling that little bitch's vacation.
[indistinct chatter]
* "The Devil Plies His Trade" by Turnpike Troubadours playing *
* Have a seat at the table *
* My new dear friend *
* And all I know *
* I'll tell *
* There is no end *
* No great reward, no heaven high *
* Or hell *
* Your past *
* Is a memory soon to be *
* Left to fade in time *
* Your future's just a fever dream *
* A construct of your mind *
* Trade your water in for wine, my brother *
* While you're young and free and sound *
* Remember you aren't guaranteed *
* A second time around *
What's our depth?
Fifty-eight hundred.
-Should be in it. -You'll know
we're in it when that pressure valve starts singing.
* low, intriguing music *
[rattling]
***
Hey, you're in it!
Back it off, back it off!
-Numbers, numbers. -I'll get 'em.
Come on, give me the fucking numbers!
Cooper, goddamn it, boy.
Let me shut this down and start circulating,
unless you want it spilling out all over the fucking ground.
I'd say buy a lottery ticket, but you don't need one.
What's our gas kicking at?
How's 6,200 units sound?
[chuckling]
Oh, shit.
[sighs]
[engine starts]
* gentle music *
***
* low, somber music *
[shushing]
[whispers indistinctly]
[shushes]
[door opens]
-Ariana! -[door slams]
[Miguel crying]
Ar... Shit.
Ariana!
-[crying continues] -[grunts]
Ay.
Este pinche gringo está loco.
[crying continues]
-Ariana. -You forget
-I got a baby? -I got
to show you something. [panting]
* light, uplifting music *
* vocalizing *
Hey, Marty! Where we at?!
[grunts] We're running these chokes wide open.
This bitch is flowing.
Oh. Excuse me, ma'am.
A lot of sand and water right now,
but the oil ratio's high.
Real high.
Over 20%, and it's rising fast.
Just... ain't a lot of shit in this one.
Sorry, ma'am.
I did it again.
Oh, I'm used to it and guilty of it,
so no apology necessary.
Well, that's a pretty big smile.
I got a pretty big reason.
[chuckles] Elvio never used to get this excited about drilling.
He never owned the well.
-[chuckles] -This is ours.
It's ours. It's-it's gonna pay for itself in two months.
Then it pays us.
-Congratulations, kid. -Thank you.
Well, I'm proud of you, mi amor.
I don't think she understands.
No, she don't.
Hey, when we level off,
-where you think we'll be at? -I mean,
it's hard to say, but be conservative, 500.
[chuckles softly]
500 barrels a day
every day for the next two years,
before we even put a pump on it.
Is that a lot?
Well, oil opened at 78.23.
Times five, that's...
39,000 and change a day, every day.
75% of that's ours.
That's, uh, 29,000 a day,
880,000 a month.
$10 million dollars a year.
And it's ours.
And, hey, look at that.
-See that? -Yeah.
That's the next one.
-So... -[chuckles softly]
...this is the dream?
This is the dream.
You did it.
I did it for you.
[chuckles softly]
[exhales]
* So saddle up and ride away *
* It ain't like it was love anyways *
* I won't have no trouble rounding up... *
Football player.
You think?
Spot 'em from a mile away.
God bless gray sweatpants.
It's like a present wrapped in cellophane.
You know exactly what the hell you're getting.
Look at this big old Horned Frog.
I think it's actually a toad.
It's a horny toad.
It's actually a lizard, baby.
If the admission counselor asks,
that's one of the tricky things she'll throw at you.
Well, why do they call them frogs
if they're actually lizards?
I don't know, baby.
I mean, why do they call a buffalo a bison?
What's a bison?
It's a buffalo.
Except it's not a buffalo, it's a bison.
You don't think she's gonna ask me about buffalo, do you?
I don't know, baby.
I mean, it's Colorado's mascot,
and every mascot from the Big 12 could be on the table.
Okay, well, I'll tell her I'm not majoring in zoology,
so I haven't really studied the mascots.
Good thinking, baby.
* I've got me more than a few *
* Cowboy friends *
* Whoo! *
[phone ringing in distance]
29 on your ACT.
That test was hard.
I was relieved to do so good on it.
I wouldn't say "good." I would say "acceptable."
Oh, I thought it was good.
It's fine.
-Top 10% of your class at Aledo? -Mm.
And that's a big school.
Graduating from Aledo in May?
Uh, no, I'm studying abroad now.
-Europe? -Midland.
Ah.
And what precipitated such a...
life-altering move?
"Precipitated"?
-Yes. -Uh,
it hasn't rained since I moved there.
Why did you move there?
Uh, my parents got back together,
and my father lives there.
Mm-hmm. Oil business?
Yes, ma'am.
No interest in Tech?
Well, I was accepted to Tech,
but I just feel I need a fresh start.
Seems like you've been given priority walk-on status
with the cheerleading corps.
Were you going to cheer for Tech?
Well, I was just going there for my boyfriend,
who scored a 17 on his ACT,
so off to junior college for him in Kilgore.
And my daddy won't let me go east of I-35
unless it's to shop in Dallas.
Not that I would go to junior college for a boy.
If he was playing at a junior college in the Maldives,
-I wouldn't go. -None of that
is what I asked you.
I asked why you weren't cheering for Tech
but you are cheering for TCU.
TCU doesn't have a policy
against cheerleaders dating athletes.
And that was an issue for you?
Very much.
Uh-huh.
Would you like me to explain my position on the subject?
I would be fascinated to hear your position on the subject.
Well, it seems detrimental to, really, humanity in general
that a university would try to keep the prettiest girls
from dating the tallest, most athletic boys
who could then get married and make babies
that are, like, really, really pretty and athletic.
Like, even more athletic than their parents.
It's like if you breed a Lab to a sheepdog,
you have...
Well, I don't know what you have,
but you don't have a Lab
and you don't have a sheepdog.
But if you take two really, really good-looking Labs,
like from the Wildrose kennel at the Dallas Gun Club,
then the puppies will be, like, super retrievers.
And I just think
that we're wasting a real opportunity
with these restrictive policies.
I'm sorry.
I'm really, really nervous, and...
and I feel like this interview is getting away from me here.
[sniffles] I really want to go here.
And I already ordered my uniform.
And the training sweats and the cover-up.
[sniffles] But not the white ones.
It's the purple ones
with, like, the cute little Horned Frog in white
above the pocket.
Which isn't a frog at all. It's a lizard.
[sniffles]
[exhales] Could I have a tissue?
Thank you.
[sighs, sniffles]
Hybrid vigor.
What did you call me?
When two different breeds of a species procreate,
the offspring possesses the strongest traits
from both breeds.
Shattering your argument for the baby factory
of quarterbacks and cheerleaders,
which is easily the most offensive and elitist statement
ever uttered in this office.
So offensive, Ainsley, I am finding it difficult
to fully articulate my shock and utter disgust.
[sniffles] That doesn't sound good.
It's not good.
If it were in my power
to deny you acceptance to this university,
I would do it with an enthusiasm
professors in our psychology department might wish to study.
However,
as a priority walk-on,
you must only meet the minimum requirements,
which, sadly, you do, to gain acceptance.
Your application does not go before the admissions board,
where I would have taken great joy
expounding on all the ways you are an abysmal candidate
for this university.
You're using a lot of words I don't fully understand.
I'm doing it on purpose.
Okay.
Now that you have satisfied your in-person interview, your
acceptance letter will be mailed in the next seven to ten days.
You must register for freshman orienta--
Wait, I got in? I got in? [gasps]
-And it has a stereo function. -Oh, my God! [screams]
-What are you doing? -I'm a hugger.
-Let's not... hug. -Oh, my God!
-[shrieks, chuckles] -Now I smell like
the beach and gardenias.
It's Hermès. They sell it at Neiman's.
[gasps] But don't buy it.
I'm gonna bring you some on Teacher Appreciation Day.
I know you're not a teacher,
but I'm gonna bring you some anyways.
Thank you, Gretel.
Greta. Like it says on the door
and on the plaque right in front of you.
It does say that.
That's a good gift, too. Not for you.
You already have one.
Thank you, Greta. [shrieks]
* low, dramatic music *
I got in!
Oh, of course you did, baby.
[both sigh]
That interview was tough.
Oh, my little dove.
Honey, never doubt yourself about anything.
Even the things you have no chance of accomplishing.
[Angela] Whether I bake a pie
or I get someone to bake a pie for me,
I've got pie either way. You understand?
I think so.
Make what you can make in life
and have others make the rest.
That's the key to life, baby.
Can't wait to be wise as you.
The day is coming, baby doll. The day is coming.
* slow, dramatic music *
Went well, I think.
And now comes the real tests.
And when they call, and they will call,
don't even listen to the pitch.
Tell them to call me.
And then, when they start selling,
just interrupt them.
Say, "Let me stop you right there. Call Tommy."
Well, I'm not gonna learn anything
if I keep deferring to you.
Monty burned a lot of people, Cami.
He wasn't dishonest, but he was ruthless.
Now, the whole world's gonna be gunning for you.
All the bad deals are coming your way,
and the good ones will come to me.
[phone buzzing]
That's my son. Do you care?
Hey, bud. Is everything all right?
[Cooper] Hey, I need to see you.
[Tommy] What happened?
Something good.
For God's sake, please don't tell me she's pregnant.
Not that I know of.
Well, son, that's one
of those kind of things I'd rather you be certain about.
She's not pregnant.
Well, good.
[Cooper] I need to talk about business.
[Tommy] Well, I'm flying back from Fort Worth right now.
Just come over to the house.
Dad, that involves having dinner with my mother and--
Cooper, just come to the damn house.
I'll be there in an hour, all right?
I swear, if I told that boy the sun was shining,
he'd argue that it was the moon.
Gee, I wonder where he got that from.
* slow, dramatic music *
[cheering]
You did real good today, Cami. Monty'd be proud.
We got AgTrust on Friday. Don't forget.
Thank you, Tommy.
-I'm a Horned Frog. [laughs] -[Tommy] Well, I'll be dogged.
-Look at our little horny toad. -[laughs]
Well, congratulations, baby.
-Thank you. -Good job.
I'm glad you passed up that public school in-state tuition.
Be proud.
I am proud,
but I was already proud when it was half the price.
-[pilot] We got everyone? -Yeah, we're good to go, bud.
When are you headed back?
Friday.
I'm coming with you.
[Ainsley] Do y'all want any snacks?
No, baby, we're good.
I need to hire a Realtor.
-There's pistachios. -[Angela] No, thank you.
We're good. What do we need a Realtor for?
Do you really think I'm gonna stay in Midland
while our daughter's at college all alone in some strange city?
Strange city? Hell, honey, she was raised here.
I'm sorry. You're under the impression
that we're having a discussion about this.
I will live by my baby.
All right, hire a goddamn Realtor.
Is it too much to ask that you don't bankrupt me again
with some fucking mansion
that we can't afford and don't need?
I didn't bankrupt you the first time, number one.
Number two...
...you are president of an oil company.
It's time you start living like it.
We're on a fucking Gulfstream.
-I am living it. -Yeah, I mean, we're flying back
to our fucking frat house in Midland.
Do I have to wear a seat belt?
Yes, baby, you have to wear a seat belt.
Mm-mm. All that shit stopped the minute she got accepted to TCU.
Yeah, in four years she'll graduate.
She'll get married and move away.
Next thing you know, I'm a grandmother
with tits hanging down to her stomach.
[sighs] And I'm all alone 'cause all you do is work.
I'm definitely gonna have to start drinking again.
* slow, somber music *
* singers vocalizing *
***
Time for supper.
Ain't set yet.
Well, dinner's at 6:30, T.L.
I know what time supper is.
[Denise] It had already set this time yesterday.
Two things you'll find interesting, Denise.
Until the 21st of June,
the sun's gonna set a little later every day.
I could explain to you why,
but I doubt you'd understand.
The other thing that's interesting is
I'm in control of none of it.
The sun sets when it sets,
and I'm gonna sit here and fucking watch it.
Okay.
[groans]
T.L., I need you to remain in your seat
if you are going to be outside.
Well, then I guess you'd better call the sheriff, Denise.
T.L. T.L.
Thomas, I need you to sit down. I don't want to tell you again.
You're ruining it.
* slow, somber music *
[Hank whispers indistinctly]
See you tomorrow.
Hey, whenever you're ready, T.L., your chariot awaits.
No rush.
I'm ready.
So...
we got a call from Memory Care in Amarillo.
-Dorothy passed, T.L. -[groans]
[cries]
She, uh, she took her afternoon nap,
just didn't wake up.
I recommend you find a way to die quick, Hank.
This dying a little bit every day is...
I'm real sorry.
She's in a better place.
I'm sure you'll see her again.
If I do, that means I'm in hell, too.
* slow, somber music *
[squeals, laughs]
-Hi, baby. Aw. -Hi, Mom.
Oof. Baby.
You have got to take a shower.
I took a shower this morning.
[Angela] That was nine hours ago.
Deodorant, baby.
I mean, how's your little señorita put up with that?
I don't think that's appropriate at all to say.
What? Señorita?
That is Spanish for "young woman," Nate.
Is she not a young woman?
Uh, that is an accurate description, yes,
but there is a hint
of cultural appropriation when one is not of that culture.
[chuckles] Nothing like having
in-house counsel in the fucking house.
You're on the wrong side of the calendar
for that conversation. Follow me?
-I am getting that, yes. -Yeah.
I swear to God, her cycle is reversed.
Every 28 days, she's normal.
I heard that.
* Buona sera, signorina... *
Yes!
[cheers]
-Isn't it cute? -[laughs]
Oh! You look great.
-Do you like my outfit? -[Tommy] Ainsley, you look
-real cute, honey. -What happened to Tech?
She's our little horny toad now.
Truer words.
You somehow got uglier.
* Buona sera... *
Did you swallow a soup can?
Oh, that's your Adam's apple.
Isn't it cute how they tease?
-Oh, yes, ma'am. It's adorable. -[Angela sighs]
Pretty sure they aren't teasing.
Oh, no, they fucking hate each other.
Dinner is a little rushed,
but I did go by Central Market, and they had...
Are you ready for this?
White truffles.
Can you believe that? [gasps]
Is that, uh, like the chocolate?
No, not a chocolate. It's like a...
a root or a fungus or something.
It's a mushroom that grows underground,
and you have to hunt it with dogs.
That's what we're having for dinner?
Well, we're having cacio e pepe,
which is a pasta with black pepper,
Parmesan Reggiano,
and shaved white truffle.
[Dale] No sauce?
Well, not a sauce in-in the way that you're thinking,
but the melted butter
-emulsify-- -I can't have butter, Mama.
-You can have a little butter. -I'm literally in training.
You've been a cheerleader for six hours.
You can have some butter.
I'm not even supposed to have carbs.
You can work it off in the morning.
You ever noticed, the closer she gets to her period,
the more complicated the dinner dishes become?
Till you just pointed it out.
I swear to God, if aliens came down here and rounded us up
and put us in zoos, those little fucking spacemen
could watch this shit for hours.
Like we watch gorillas eat fruit
and pick their asses and swing around on shit.
They could watch women argue all fucking day.
Excuse me. I mean, I'm right here listening to you.
Here's what we're not doing. Any of this shit. Okay?
Our baby is going to college. All right?
And we are going to toast her
and eat exactly what I put in front of you.
Those little aliens won't need a zoo
to see the tantrum I'm about to throw
'cause they'll see it from fucking space.
[utensils clatter]
Everyone got me? Cacio e pepe.
Not spaghetti, Dale.
With shaved white truffle on top.
At 2,800 fucking dollars, the truffle is not optional.
You're shitting me. For a mushroom?
-Thank you. -[Angela] There you go.
Ooh. Mm-hmm.
-There we go. -Thank you.
-Yeah, give me about $600 worth. -Mm-hmm.
[sighs]
What about mine?
Well, none for the babies 'cause your palates are too sensitive.
When you're older, baby. Care to bless it?
Sure, I'd be happy to, honey.
Oh, God. It's wet.
[Tommy] Dear Lord.
Please. I beg you,
-uh... -[sighs heavily]
...to grant us patience.
And that's about it. Amen.
-Amen. -Amen.
-[Angela] Amen.
-[coughs] -Mix it together, Dale,
so the truffle emulsifies with the sauce.
You said there was no sauce.
I said it's not a traditional sauce.
Understood. Mixing.
I was thinking of using Stephen Rich.
What do you think?
The real estate broker?
We're buying a house in Fort Worth.
Thank you, Jesus.
Honey, Stephen does ranches.
If he can find a ranch,
he can find a five-bedroom house in Mira Vista.
What the hell do we need with five bedrooms?
What about when Cooper and Ainsley
come home for the holidays?
And Cooper has his little baby now.
Not my baby.
Well, I doubt you're leaving the fucking thing at home,
so it needs a room.
And what about when Ainsley has children?
I mean, doing the math,
I don't think five bedrooms is enough.
Honey, I don't think home purchases
should be committed to during the current arc of your cycle.
["Love In Portofino" by Fred Buscaglione playing]
* I still see you *
* There was a place made just for lovers *
* The skies and sea... *
[Angela] What are you saying, honey?
That I'm incapable of making decisions when I'm on my period?
While millions of years of evolution have played out
in the perfect cleansing of my womb
in preparation for your Neanderthal sperm...
-There we go. -...that I somehow lose
the ability to think clearly
during the week of this miracle unfolding?
Huh? That I'm somehow so mentally compromised?
-I never said that. -What do you think I'll do, huh?
You mean something crazy?
Like take your plate away
and throw it against the fucking wall?
-You can have my plate. -Oh, can I?
-Yeah. -Oh, thank you, Tommy.
That is so...
-Something like this? -Oh!
[Angela] Huh?
-[Tommy] Honey. -Like that?
Remember the tantrum I fucking promised you?
Well, here it is.
God. I'll call you tomorrow, Dad.
Okay, sounds good, son.
Bye, Mom.
["Volare (Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu)" by Dean Martin playing]
* We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of *
* Where lovers enjoy peace of mind *
* Let us leave the confusion *
* And all disillusion behind... *
This is going to sound really inappropriate,
but with you sweating like that...
...before you kill me,
I just want to say your tits look great
in that little tiny bra.
Oh...
* Oh... *
I just thought I'd let you know.
* E cantare *
* Oh, oh, oh, oh... *
How you manage to say the only thing...
[sighs] that could possibly save you.
It's a gift.
Mm-hmm.
* slow, gentle music *
[sighs]
Well...
...it's quite the mess to clean up.
You say that like I'm the one fucking cleaning it.
A $2,800 mushroom. Wow.
It's not a mushroom.
It's a delicacy.
And I was so close to tasting it.
I got another one you can taste
after you clean all this shit up.
Honey, why don't we just skip the crazy
and go right to the sex
we both know we're gonna have after the crazy?
Where's the fun in that?
Well, then it's just all fun. See?
We just do the fun part.
Here's something to stuff in your pipe and smoke
when you have some free time.
See, you think the pattern
is my hormones going wonky before my period,
which causes me to act irrationally.
Yes, I have noticed that pattern. Mm.
I can't control my hormones,
but you can control pointing them out to me.
You ever ponder that, Mr. Oil President?
Well, that's a fresh perspective I had not considered.
[sighs]
So...
...it's my fault when you start throwing shit against the wall.
Every...
...mmm...
...single...
...time.
[phone buzzing]
And then he answers his fucking phone.
Ow. Hello?
Okay.
Yeah.
By all means, take your fucking time.
No, I'll call him in the morning.
All right. All right. Thank you.
You don't ever answer the phone when I'm kissing you.
Somebody better have died.
Yeah, somebody did.
* "Wyoming" by Benjamin Tod playing *
[door opens]
[door closes]
[door opens]
[door closes]
Baby.
Who died?
My mother.
* Well, men like me *
* Probably die alone *
* With some broken dream *
* On a dusty road *
* And it may be sad *
* But so is everything that's true *
[song ends]
* gentle music *