Are you familiar with Robert House?
Are you asking me to spy on the wealthiest man in America?
Not spy on him.
Help!
Folks in them outfits don't deserve savin'.
Let her go!
Give me the stimpak.
I only have one.
Help me!
Please!
She'll die without it.
Golden rule, motherfucker.
I am nothing like you.
We'll get you home to your people.
The axis of power has shifted in the Brotherhood.
Holy fuck!
How many of those can you make?
More than all of human history could ever consume.
Liaison from the Commonwealth.
I understand we're discussing a civil war.
Just so you know...
I am nice.
- Oh! Oh. - No...
Thaddeus...
I-I think you might be a ghoul.
Oh, no!
- ♪ I hear something saying ♪ - Mmmm.
- Yep! Yep, yeah. - ♪ Ooh! Ah! ♪
- ♪ Well, don't you know ♪ - ♪ That's the sound of the men ♪
♪ Working on the chain gang ♪
Way to use those little hands, Lois. Keep it up.
Thanks, boss.
Bobby! Hey!
I see your eyes closing over there.
You know what happens when you fall asleep on the job?
Nothing good, that's for sure.
- Mm-hm. - Yep.
Come on, gang, we're only 12 hours into this shift!
We got 10 more to go!
Okay?
Perry, you know what? Try it without the gloves.
The meat on your palms, gonna give you a better grip.
Just... [clicking tongue] get in there.
It's gonna hurt a little bit, but...
I did it!
Keep it up and you'll have big, gross, calloused hands in no time.
Yes, sir!
Trudy!
Why aren't you makin' money for me?
Lois called me a mean name.
Lois, is that true?
She said I look like a ghoul.
Well, there's nothing wrong with being a ghoul, except you're not.
I'm a ghoul.
Perry over there, now, well, that's a ghoul.
Disgusting! Eech!
I think this might be a good reminder for everybody.
Hey, hey, listen up!
Little break here real quick, everybody.
Okay.
Reminder, we're all really, really lucky to be here.
Believe me, I have seen some shit out there.
But here, we got it made.
We got a roof over our heads, a very well-defended perimeter.
- What about water? - Just drink the soda, alright?
You-- you know what the best part about this place is?
Nobody wakes you up in the morning to do push-ups
or makes you carry around a big old bag all the time.
All in all, I'd say life's pretty good.
What do we always say?
Most kids are dead by this age!
Okay, back to work.
- Go! - ♪ That's the sound of the men ♪
♪ Working on the chain gang ♪
♪ All day long, they're saying "huh!" ♪
Keep up!
Keep moving!
You lost your Legionary.
Please. Please. Please. Pl--
The enemy horde has been relocating their artillery farther north.
So, to counterbalance, we need to relocate ours as well.
Ave, profligate.
Yes.
Hi, sir.
How dare you address the great Caesar?
"Kai-sar"? You...
Do-- do you mean Caesar?
I believe Kaisers were German, and you guys
have more of a Roman theme, so...
I-- I think it's Caesar.
This is the one.
Sir, please. Um, I see that this is a...
um... work camp.
- And if I may, I'm a very-- - Shh.
We're negotiating the rights to your prima noctis.
Prima noctis?
Okay. First of all, shame on you.
That is awful.
And secondly, prima noctis isn't even a Roman tradition.
It's from the Middle Ages. They were just nasty people
borrowing a Latin phrase.
And as much as I want to respect your traditions...
there is a line to all that, which I think we have found.
And you should know that I am not even a virgin.
And that's not including
all of the cousin stuff I did, which is at least a page or two on my resume.
So, looks like we're out of options.
If you don't mind me saying, it seems like you guys
might have lost your way out here.
I wouldn't expect a profligate like you to understand.
- We're at war. - With who?
The New California Republic.
The Khans. The Brotherhood.
But first, we must conquer
the unrepentant members of Caesar's Legion.
Over there.
All hail Caesar!
There's two Caesars?
The great founder of this Empire, he died.
We've been at war ever since over who should be his heir.
He wrote down the name of his successor.
He placed it into his divine pocket.
But every time we try to retrieve it,
the false Caesar and his followers, they shoot at us.
We are at a stalemate.
I may be able to help you.
I have experience with family counseling,
and sometimes conflict resolution...
it's easier than you think.
Oh, geez.
Excuse me!
This isn't Rome, okay? This is America!
- Is it? - Yeah, it is.
At least according to all the maps.
Maps drawn by the dead.
All that remains of America
is the overwhelming evidence of its failure.
Now, if you'll excuse me, we have a war to win.
You know, speaking as someone
who's seen upwards of 15 different movies,
if you think everyone else is the bad guy,
chances are, you're the bad guy.
But "good" is not a meaningful vector in history.
Only strength.
Ah!
Yeah, well...
How 'bout a boat that's not a boat. You know what I mean?
Of course, you do.
You take out one plank...
boat's the same as it ever was.
It's just got a-- a hole in it, that's all.
You take out a-- a lot of planks...
and all of a sudden, you gotta ask yourself...
...what-- what the fuck am I looking at?
This ain't no boat.
It's just a-- a pile of wood, man.
It's just a fuckin' pile of wood.
I don't know what I'm tellin' you all this for.
I know you already know all this.
It's just been a while...
since I had someone worth talkin' to.
That's all.
You okay?
Yeah, I, uh...
I just... I-I can't seem to get Janey's teddy into the Keepsake Box.
For the Vault.
I just hate leaving anything behind, you know?
Well, we may not have to, right?
Well, I've gotta go to this thing for Charlie.
Okay.
What do you know about Robert House?
All I heard is that he's building some kind of weapons system in Vegas.
Our intel thinks it's connected to what you heard Barb talking about.
Your intel?
It's blueprints and a bunch of phone records.
What else am I supposed to call that?
Intel, I guess.
Well, do you know what your boss wants me to do to him?
Mm.
I didn't know.
Look, I wanna help. I'll do whatever I can.
But there's gotta be another way.
Look where we are, Coop.
Half the guys in here have killed people.
Maybe not the right ones.
Robert House is just one person.
My name is Diane Welch,
congresswoman for the District of Glendale.
And if you've never heard of me,
it's probably because I'm the only sitting congressperson
in this administration to have refused corporate funding.
So, while I may not be able to afford TV spots and billboards,
I don't think America can afford
any more corporate influence in Washington.
Get on with it.
Okay.
Well, today isn't about me,
it's about you and the sacrifices you've made for this great nation.
As a friend to our brothers and sisters in the armed forces,
it is my honor to award...
Um, let me just find my card here.
Oh.
The story of today's first honoree is just...
I'm gonna go hit the head.
...wonderful, if I can find my notes.
You getting any awards tonight?
Um, no.
No, no, I'm just here for an old friend.
Corporal Charlie Whiteknife.
Yeah. Yeah, Charlie.
Rumor has it, he's a bit of a pinko.
Is that right?
I wouldn't know about that.
And what about you, Mr. Howard?
What about me?
Oh. Cooper Howard?
American veteran?
Star of the silver screen?
Pinko?
Don't believe everything you read.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
I sympathize with the pinko point of view.
Yeah.
They have grievances with traditional institutions.
Entirely justified, if you ask me.
I didn't ask you.
It's their solution to the problem.
Oh. Here.
You back a body into a corner, they're liable to try anything.
You back billions of bodies into a corner at the same time...
Tsk.
Everyone trying to solve the same problem at the same time
with a multitude of solutions.
Messy, messy, hm?
I take it you're not a vet.
What gave me away?
Because a vet would know better than to talk politics
when a man has his dick in his hand.
'Til next time, Mr. Howard.
The Codex is clear about chain of command.
We mustn't squander this opportunity.
I told you. We're out.
I acknowledge the arrival of the Paladin from the Commonwealth
complicates the issue, but--
I'm not interested in fighting a rebellion, Quintus.
But the Brotherhood began as an act of rebellion.
Before the war, an ordinary captain
was sent to a research center in California.
Roger Maxson.
And when he saw what they were doing there...
depraved experiments on human subjects,
well, then, Roger Maxson had to ask himself,
who did he serve?
His God?
Or his government?
He chose his God.
He shot the scientists.
He shot the people who tried to stop him.
His government had defied God,
and for that, he defied his government.
But he wasn't punished.
He was saved.
So that he could found our noble order.
If our rebellion is righteous...
the way will be paved for us.
I told you.
I don't go in for the religious stuff.
Give the Cold Fusion relic to the Commonwealth.
Oh...
My lord...
this Xander guy...
I could just kill him.
Well, that's what we do here. Isn't it?
Behold, the dimness of the sword.
We just lost the alliance.
If we kill Xander, the envoy from the Commonwealth,
it will be war.
And without the support of the other chapters,
it will end with all our heads on spikes.
Yes, my lord, but if our cause is righteous--
I have no need for the thoughts of a sword!
Leave.
Must I repeat myself?
No, my lord.
There he is.
What do you want?
Well, my arrival seems to have put a damper on the conversation.
Lift with your knees!
Your Clerics won't even look at me.
You guys have a lot of Clerics, you know that?
Yeah, I guess we do.
Yeah, scurrying around everywhere like little cockroaches.
Right?
I mean, we have Clerics back at the Commonwealth.
They're just not, like, in charge, you know?
And I know every chapter of the Brotherhood
is a little different, but this one...
...sucks. No offense.
I shouldn't be talking to you. Chain of command.
Good man. See?
That's a soldier for you.
Your Elder Cleric is about to make a mistake.
The Brotherhood that you believe in, that I believe in?
We are the last bastion of order in this country.
We are a bulwark against chaos.
If you ask me, fomenting a rebellion
sounds a lot like chaos.
You know, back East, it's guys like us who call the shots.
People who put their ass on the line.
That is foundational to the Brotherhood ethos.
Your Clerics? What do they do?
Stand around, give speeches.
We are the ones who bleed.
What do you want me to do about it?
Just talk to me.
You know, this isn't the first time that the Brotherhood
has been on the verge of civil war.
But if us soldiers figure something out,
it won't be the first time that cooler heads have prevailed.
What do you say?
Yeah, let's talk.
Hot dog.
Well, Miss Lucy...
how's that golden rule workin' out for you now?
What the fuck?
Kinda looks like we got ourselves a civil war.
Well, shit.
What you think, dog?
What?
Don't look at me like that. I don't like her either.
But we gonna need her down the line.
I ain't going up against two Legions in one afternoon.
We need some help.
And this is about the best place to get it.
Used to be, anyway.
H-Howdy, p-p-p-p-p-pardner!
Is that you, Victor?
V-V-Victor. That sure does sound familiar.
Well, dagnabbit, spent the last ten years
thinkin' I was a soda machine.
What the fuck are you doing here?
Well, b-b-beats me, pardner.
Someone did a number on my numbers.
Memory's all jimble-jambled.
Is that right?
Well, I gotta save a dipshit Vaultie from the Legion.
Came here hopin' to get some help from the NCR.
N-N-N-NCR? I ain't seen 'em.
Who's running these parts these days?
Well you know how it is around here.
The NCR and the Legion goin' at each other like cats and dogs.
Though now, we got the Legion fightin' the Legion like cats and dogs, too.
Is that so?
But you know what they say in Vegas.
Everyone's a winner. Eventually.
The same goes for losing, in my experience.
Except for one man.
The man that built you.
Where's Robert House?
He's gone.
He had all the money in the world.
But all he really wanted was to live forever.
Life just ain't fair, I guess.
Well, typically, I would agree.
But you should know better than anyone that House had a knack for plannin' ahead.
Oh, he had plans, alright.
But he needed the Cold Fusion doodad from before the war.
Didn't you have somethin' to do with all that?
Way back when?
Oh, you're leavin' already?
Ain't nobody around to keep poor Victor company these days.
Just them Rangers up in the hills.
Rangers in the hills?
Well, you know how it is.
The NCR and the Legion, they can't stop fightin'.
Like c-c-c-cats and d-dogs.
Much obliged, Victor.
Well, I'll be seein' you!
I'm sure you will.
We need a pilot.
And let someone else have all the fun?
- Let's go! - Well, I should grab my--
You don't need your Armor. I got a spare you could use.
They give you spares?
♪ Sugar doll, sugar doll ♪
♪ Sweet as you can be ♪
♪ Don't you dare to date nobody else but me ♪
Motion assist servos.
It's nice.
Yeah, I don't know anything about any of that shit, man.
I just know how to kick ass in it, you know?
Alright.
You ever flown one of these?
Oh, no, no.
Here, let me give you control right now. Hold on to it.
- No, no! - Flip the switch-- you sure? Yeah?
- No! - Okay.
You gotta try it.
Soon.
Hey, Maximus, can we just be hard dick for a second?
Oh, yeah.
Unless your guy Quintus gives me that relic,
you and me are going to be on the front line
shooting at each other soon.
And I know you're very good, but trust me, you don't want that heat.
And I don't know, I'm just thinking,
if I go home with the relic, there's no bloodshed, you know?
I'll be honest with you, man.
We are really up against it back home.
Without that relic you found, we risk losing the Commonwealth.
And if the Commonwealth falls...
civilization won't last much longer.
What do you mean, "won't last"?
- I mean, look at it out here. - It can get worse.
Trust me.
Just think about it, that's all.
I trust your judgment, Maximus.
So should you.
Oh, fuck yeah!
- What is it? - Power signatures in a complex nearby.
Looks like unauthorized automated activity.
You're 2,000 miles away from home.
What do you care about a couple of robots in the desert?
We're the Brotherhood of Steel.
We keep the Wasteland safe.
This is what we do!
This is what we get to do!
Oh, here it is.
Hot dog!
C'mon!
Yeah!
Hot dog.
Oh, I know.
Huh.
Captain Rodriguez of the New California Republic!
Well, I can see your salutations haven't changed.
Fucker!
Stop! Don't hurt 'im!
Why not?
This ghoul and the NCR go way back.
Gotta be ready.
Gotta be ready. They're coming any day.
We gotta be ready. Any day now.
If I may...
New California Republic may wanna drop the word "New,"
'cause y'all lookin' dusty as hell.
Where is everybody?
Up here, it's just us.
We've been cut off from reinforcements for more than a decade.
They're comin'.
Guess, uh, time takes a toll on some more than others.
When Shady Sands fell, we had a battalion out east.
- We could still get to them. - Shady Sands?
You do know that was over 20 years ago, right?
Legion has us boxed in.
We've lost touch with our battalion. Please, help us contact them.
Let our people know we're still out here.
What's so funny?
I'm in a minor predicament.
I came to the NCR looking for help based on the cozy-ass assumption
that the good guys would prevail in the great state of Nevada.
- We're winning the war. - We are.
Well, if this is winnin',
I would hate to see what losin' looks like.
Please.
The stuff we fight for...
clean water, schools...
rights for folks like you...
story has it, you used to believe in those things, too.
Please, help us, before we're captured.
Ain't nobody comin'.
'Cause there ain't nobody left.
Little piece of advice that's helped me sleep at night over the years.
When something's dead, it's usually because it deserved to die.
Alright, bro. Let's do this.
In here.
Come on, Max.
I'm-- I'm coming.
Hold up.
Halt! Display your credentials!
Greetings, visitor!
Would you prefer a neck or foot massage today?
There will be no massage!
I-I-Identification is--
Please remove your clothing
and apply a complimentary towel.
Cancel massage p-p-p-protocol immediately! Intruder!
Massage protocol activated!
Activating version...
Xander?
Intruder! Prepare to be-be neutralized.
Relaxation imminent!
Get back!
Ah!
Ha, ha, fuck yeah!
You ever see one of these?
What is that?
Watch this.
Come on, you big metallic piece o' shit!
Yeah!
Ha, ha, ha, yeah!
Suck on this!
Ooh!
That's all you got?
Hey, Xander, you okay?
Suck it!
Come on.
Hey, Max! You want a piece of this?
Oh, hell yeah.
Over here, you big bag of bolts.
Come on, dickhead!
- Hoo-hoo! Nice one! - Yay!
- Right? - Boom!
Yeah. Gee whiz, that felt good.
- Did you hear that? - Yeah.
You want a turn with this?
Wow, D-- Thank you.
Hot dog.
"Ah-way."
Or whatever the fuck y'all say to each other.
You claim to have information for Caesar.
Well, I understand that the Legion ain't fans
of the linear progression of time...
or the soft "C," for that matter.
But I bet you still understand cause and effect.
Now, I give you something you want.
And, well, you give me something I want.
Or we can put you up on a cross until you give us what we want.
Well, yeah, you could do that.
Or you could exterminate the last holdout of the New California Republic.
I can tell you where they're hidin'.
Now, remember, these are the 45s.
They're hard as hell to walk in.
And this Power Armor's so goddamn hot from the fires
that it's melting the snow beneath my feet.
And I'm dragging this guy, you know,
just dragging him through the mud and the slush.
And I don't know if this poor damn grunt is dead or alive.
So, the first chance I get, I take cover, take a knee,
open up that visor.
And who do I see staring right back at me?
It's Cooper Howard.
That's right.
You know what he said to me?
Coop.
You remember?
Uh, "How do I look?"
That's a lie, ladies and gentlemen. That is a lie.
I mean, the movie star Cooper Howard, he probably would have said that.
But the man I was looking at...
he looked up at me and he said,
"How are the others?"
Nearly burnt alive...
and he was worried about our squad.
Fuckin' Marines, huh?
We like to tell stories about what we did out there.
Yeah, not all of them, anyways.
Some of them we can't tell.
But the ones we do tell...
we tell 'em to make us feel good about what we did.
To give us hope that it was all for the right reasons.
But we're just Marines.
We don't get the privilege of knowing.
We just had to go off of what they told us.
They told us that it was all on the line...
fate of the whole free world.
With the stakes stacked that high...
we didn't get much choice, did we?
And I guarantee you,
the guys on the other side got told the same shit.
Tonight, we bury the New California Republic!
At the end of the day,
we just gotta hope that we bet on the right side.
The side that protects the people you love.
Because if it did...
I guess that's worth doing pretty much anything.
Even something bad.
Anyway, uh, thank you for the potato salad.
Um, it was good seeing all of you, and, uh, thank you.
Uh, wait. You can't leave without your award.
It's a, um, commemorative lighter.
So, congratulations, Corporal.
Thank you.
Don't thank me yet.
This is for you.
They gave that to me for saving a man.
Not for killing the three it took to do it.
Maybe this was a mistake.
Why? What did you do?
I don't know. Maybe somethin' good.
Or maybe somethin' stupid.
Ha-ha, gotcha!
On your feet!
Oh, no. No.
Aw, it's just a baby abomination!
Hey, buddy.
Where are your friends?
Where there's one, there's always another.
Alright, I know there's more of you here, so you better come on out.
Don't worry. We're not going to hurt you.
Aw, good little ones.
Oh, jackpot.
Were you guys playing hide-and-seek?
I love that game.
It's okay, it's okay.
You're okay.
Yeah, you're all okay.
Alright, I'm gonna split you up into two groups, okay?
If you have smooth skin, walk over to this side of the table.
Wrinkles, stay right here in front of me, okay?
Hey, wait. Xander? Xander.
Alright, smooth skins, close your eyes.
Please, stop.
Hi! Hello!
Oh, if I may.
I'm the manager here, and, uh, I just ask you...
please don't do what you're about to do.
I know I don't have a lot of leverage here or anything,
but, you know, they're just... they're just kids.
So, who cares, right?
They're not kids. They're abominations.
And so are you.
But they are kids.
Xander. Xander, come on, man, we don't...
- No. - Please, Xander, please stop!
The Codex is clear on this.
And without the rules, where are we?
Fuck the Codex, Xander! Listen to me!
No. No, no, no. No, no, no!
- Hot dog! - Stop, Xander!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - Wait!
No! No!
Hey, man.
Hey.
Uh... what you been up to?
I think I just started a war.
Okay.
Yeah, well, um, I'm the floor manager here.
So, it sounds like we both got a lot going on right now.
Yeah.
♪ Cold as a codfish, hot as a coal ♪
♪ Hot dog buddy, well, bless my soul ♪
♪ I'm rockin', rockin' on down the line ♪
♪ Hot dog buddy buddy, a hot dog all the time ♪
♪ I got legs like a rooster, eyes like a frog ♪
♪ When I hear music, I holler hot dog ♪
♪ I'm rockin', rockin' on down the line ♪
♪ Hot dog buddy buddy, a hot dog all the time ♪
♪ Hot dog buddy buddy, hot dog buddy buddy ♪
♪ Hot dog buddy buddy, hot dog buddy, hot dog buddy buddy ♪
♪ I got no money 'cept a dime and a quarter ♪
♪ I could stop now but I don't think I oughta ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm rockin', rockin' on down the line ♪
♪ Hot dog buddy buddy, a hot dog all the time ♪
♪ Hog dog! ♪